From Psycho Trout...

[Brad]

Duck Hunting 101
Always post this up for the newbies before teh season starts.

Prolog
The conditions are nearly perfect as you finally cut the throttle back to a whisper. Daring to ease the big motor to within 20 yards of the point, you're almost there now, and you can even hear wings beating above and whistles all around up ahead as surges of anticipation thump your heart with each turn of the prop. Two days of prep, 2hr's of sleep and a 2hr. drive to the ramp, but it's about to be worth it every bit of it. Just forty more yards before you put out your first decoy in the "kill zone", that little piece of water that has been holding ducks. You see the first duck splash down while your putting out dekes and then it blasts off, and you understand that life is good.

Then 'IT' happens. The 'IT' is a 18' G3 CloneMaster Tritonic Duck Barge, suddenly erupting from the marsh like the lead attack helicopter in the movie "Apocalypse Now". Blaring toward you a mere 20' off the shoreline, you and your friends can only freeze like spotlighted deer as you predict the unthinkable. All fears are confirmed when you see the passengers lean to port, and the captain of the invading vessel cranks the wheel hard over in preparation for a full frontal assault. Slowing down just enough to throw a surfable 3' wake, you watch them rim the entire cove and systematically destroy the peaceful environment that once was. Only a look, and the CrashMasters blow out towards the next victim, leaving your group to eat muddy propwash and bird bombs from the fleeing ducks. And then he rounds the point again only to set his spread 50 yards from your spread and then breaks out the kazoos. Sounds like one of those hillbilly square dances. OOHHH The horror, the horror...

Chapter 1 - Introduction
Houston, Stardate 2002, a land of concrete and confusion where the economy is directly proportionate to the footage of new hunters on the water. Being the fourth largest city in the U.S., there is simply no place to hide anymore within a hundred miles of the loop, and even the weekdays are starting to look like a day at Disneyland. It's the new millennium and time for new tactics. It's no longer just a matter of knowing how to find and fool ducks, it now includes evasion and escape maneuvers in a bumper-boat world. Therefore, without further ado, here are some field strategies to help survive the new red dawn.

Chapter 2 - First Strikes
Be there first and buy some time. If you can get to the ramp early enough, don't let that old sawhorse in the bed of the truck go to waste. A "Ramp Closed" barricade will work at least until the camp operator shows up, and a 'road closed' or "detour" sign near your favorite walk-in spot can also give you a fair head start.


Chapter 3 - Diversionary Tactics
Build decoy blinds in parts of the marsh or lakes that you will NOT be hunting, and a few strategically placed shotgun hulls should decoy a least a few rookies thinking that there has been some shooting going on in the blind. The decoy blinds should be equipped with only a door that opens from the outside trapping Barney in the blind for the rest of the morning. Putting a bee's hive or rattler in there under the bench sit can be very effective as well. Strategically placed old decoys will sometimes work well too. Barney will stop and hunt these just, CUZ.

Chapter 4 - The Naval Blockade
Effective perimeter defense for all except the most brazen of intruders, you and about 3 friends launch in separate boats and then completely surround the mouth of a cove or similar type structure. Like circling the wagons of frontier days, it might keep the Indians on a drive by status until they eventually break thru (usually around 8:30AM on a Saturday).

Chapter 5 - Field Camo
Battle wear for the serious duck warrior should be extremely low profile. The Barney look for people who stand out, and who look like they might know what they're doing. No shadowgrass camo hats, no advantage wetlands shirts with little embroidered duckies on them, and of course mail order specialized clothing is out of the question. Optional equipment like old women's bonnets and umbrellas can afford protection, and do not discount the use of wigs or other cross-dressing accessories. Do whatever it takes to make your shoreline profile go better unnoticed.

Chapter 6 - Disinformation
Using 'Dot.Com' technology to your advantage, a few bogus reports on the internet during the week should divert at least part of the flotilla two bays over by week's end. We all know how well this works. How many times have you gone to Lake Livingston because "they're whacking 'em up there", only to find completely dead water and a bunch of other suckers like yourself who believed it? VHF radios can be effective with the scanner crowd on invasion days. It only take's one or two transmissions of "Hey Bob Ed, we are covered up over here by the ICW" to hear several motors fire off. Creatively consider all forms of communication.

Chapter 7 - Boat camo
Con***ius Say; "20' Go-Devil with camo rarely hunt alone". If it's on a weekend, borrow Cousin Eddie's green '69 tri-hull and put a fake crab trap or two on the bow. Sparkplugs tied on heavy upright rods, along with a yellow bucket or two on the deck for effect, may help discourage follower boats. White rubber boots are optional.

Chapter 8 - Security Clearance
Like the old phrase, "Loose Lips sink ships", flapping gums are just flat dumb. A law called the "Rule of Two" dictates that each friend you tell about some big ducks you've found (in sworn secrecy of course) will always have at least two friends in his inner circle that HAVE to know. Those two will also have two, who will also have two, and so on. Simple math shows us that if you tell just two people, there will be 128 boats in your honey hole in about 4 days. Keep yer yap shut!

Chapter 9 - Hide in Plain Sight
While hunting, a potential way to stay unmolested for a while is to simply take the cowling off the motor. Most boats will make an immediate 90-degree turn if they think you might need a tow. While hunting in heavily occupied enemy territory, learn to stand in your blind with the call hanging out your mouth like a ciggerate. Playing to the tune of Whistling Dixxie. Also, shouldering your gun and trudging through mud picking up decoys sends a strong "no ducks here" signal to passing patrol boats.

Chapter 10 - Conclusion
Other sections of the Combat Duck Hunting Manual, which space does not allow for here, include "Spy vs. Spy" (speaking of which, Phil Robertson himself has a tripod mounted 3' telescope on his bow), "Aqua Artillery" like 88mm bow mounted spud launchers, "Covert Actions", and inserts such as the "Proper Laying Down of Covering Fire." Of course this is all just in fun, and we're really not going to do this stuff (right?), but the point is that it's crowded out there and it's only going to get worse. If we all don't behave ourselves on the water, we might start seeing tournaments like DuckMaster Gladiators. So let's just get out there and go with the flow, really trying hard not to provoke any maritime warfare. Mandatory bulletproof lifejackets are heavy and not in my budget.

[Psycho Trout]

awww! Brad I didn't know you cared.