I'm going straight to hell - "The Dirt Angel"

[swampslut]

It’s 5:30 on Sunday afternoon when I decide to make my way to the restroom and unload a burly. I’ve spent the entire day sleeping and suffering through a hellacious hangover. Seeing as I’ve only spent about 2 hours of the day awake, I decide this special time would be a swell time to recap the events from the night before.

As I think back on where the night started, the numerous stops and where it ended, I nearly glaze over the high point of the night. Around 12:30AM a buddy and I head out to a private party. We’ve spent the last 2.5 hours getting primed up for what is suppose to be a killer metro party. Now granted, I don’t know a sole at this party so it’s my intent to be extremely “friendly” upon my arrival. Our pregame consisted of about 6 beers and 3 bull blasters each, in just over 2 hours. I could make friends with Hitler at this pace.

We make our arrival to the party and it’s a ghost town compared to what I was expecting. Nonetheless, this place is a pussy-pulling palace. Apparently the bulk of the crowd shows up after the bars close. What can you expect from a couple of non-inner loopers? We take the tour of the place, all the while locking in the location of the beer coolers into our clouded minds. We both manage to continue our pace, sucking down beers, free beers We head out to the 4th floor balcony, yes 4 floors! It’s got a view of downtown and seems like a great place to spend the next few hours of my life.

Next door is an empty lot. After several minutes of bullshittin and drinking we notice a person walking across the lot towards the house. I don’t pay much attention. As the person gets closer, we notice it’s a woman and she begins to call out. I can’t really tell what she is saying but after a few minutes we notice she’s begging for money.

So here you have these 2 guys who are well on their way to a drunken stooper and a vagabond 4 floors below begging from money. I’m not sure how or why, but I’ve always had a bit of a mean streak in me when I know the repercussions can only be minimal.

I began to run ideas through my mind on how we can make this interesting. Should we spit on her? Throw beers at her? Ignore her?

“Show me your tits and I’ll give you $5,” is what I hear come out of my buddy’s mouth. I kind of laugh, and think to myself there is no way she’ll do that in public. Wrong! Now I’m thinking, “oh hell, this could be fun.”

Of course she asks for her money and my buddy graciously holds up his end of the bargain. She asks for more.

Here is where my mean streak enters the picture.

“Get completely naked,” I yell out.

“$5 more dollars,” she replies.

“Get completely naked and we’ll talk,” I demand.

Down come her pants, panties, shoes and socks. I mean this broad is buck-naked. Now we’re on the 4th floor, it’s 1:30AM and we’re hammered. I couldn’t tell you this ladies age or anything. All I know was she was a black woman who was fairly skinny. We’re probably helping her keep up her girlish figure, by feeding her crack fetish.

Now that she’s completely naked she asks, “Where’s my money?”

“You’re not finished,” I respond. “Lay down on the ground and do snow angels!”

Yes, snow angels. I have no idea where I pulled that idea from but it had now been tabled. I’m not sure what was more astounding, the fact I thought that shit up or the fact she was actually doing it! No shit! Now this black female vagabond is performing a snow angel, buck naked, in public, on the bare ground. Hence the dirt angel.

I still can’t remember all of the events that took place or what people were saying. All I can remember was crying until I laughed. Once the woman collected enough funds for her effort, she calmly picked up her clothes and headed back across the empty lot. She never stopped to get dressed, just strutted her shit, proud of the $20 she has just made.

The capper to the whole episode was the fact that after all was said and done, my buddy looks over at me and says, “Hey, I think there is a $5 she missed.”